Condoms and Cucumbers

Emery at 13!!!

In the last year Emery has shot up at least 5-6 inches. It doesnt seem to be stopping any time soon. One might say that he finally grew into his hips. His physical frame is still pole or post like, just a skinny kid. That slender frame is most likely going to last him for the next 10-12 years and then after he may or may not bulk out. We will see. This year long growth is of course due to the dreaded word of puberty. OH MAN!!!! 

Puberty is probably the only time as a parent that you wish you could go back to diapers. With diapers there are emotional releases, fits of crying "change my shorts!" the dealing with shit-literally but then you put the baby on your shoulder and sooth away the baby angst. Now with puberty comes again the emotional releases-'you just dont understand!!!!' and dealing with the shit-metaphorically. Now, though, there isnt the propping on the shoulder to sooth away the angst. Now the angst is something you deal with or you dont and when you dont want to deal with the angst you dont. Sometimes that desire not to deal can lead to "OH MAN!!!! I am just failing as a parent." Because! As a parent youre full of all the failings of your parents and how you. will. not. make the same mistakes. Somehow-even though the history of parenting is always the same- somehow you convince yourself that you are different. That with todays technology you will rebuild parenting, make it better than it was before. Better, Stronger, Faster. 

Then you fail. 

At 13 Emery is starting to transition from kid to young adult. This of course brings on the role of responsibility. Responsible for self. The prepping of that time when he will walk out the door of his youth and start down his own path to adulthood. Emery is a great kid and I dont just say that as biased father because I am biased. I am saying that as a quote that his mother and I hear with frequency. But what does that mean? Does that mean he sits quiet in the corner not disturbing the adults? Does that mean he is always up to help? I dont know. What I do know is that there are times in every individuals life where they have fallen short. For me that means saying to Emery, "these are my shortcomings-you'll have your own-but dont make these." 

Puberty is so much more than sitting your kid down at the coffee table and saying "here's a cucumber and here's a condom. This is how condoms go on." Its also that time where you pull away the veneer of perfection your kid may have of you as a parent and start sharing mistakes. With that share comes the parental responsibility of teaching the apology, to be kind without being nice, owning your faults, being honest and to hold your boundaries. In the last 4 ish years I have been examining my own responsibility of the apology after we stopped in Davis on the way to Oakland(My time at UCDavis contains my most embarrassing personal moments). What I would like Emery to learn is to be earnestly sorry when he needs to be but without regret or with the need to have another's forgiveness. To teach him that regret and the need to receive forgiveness puts a burden on those who deserve the apology. When all they should receive is the apology and acknowledgment of being wronged

What I want Emery to know is that he is a good human and at times he's going to falter along the way, that he can say "Hey, I am sorry" without putting it on the other person and apply that emotion of regret to make himself better. Examine why he regrets and acknowledge his mistake(s) To look to only one person to forgive him, to learn how to forgive himself and to accept the consequences as they fall. An apology should never be a method of manipulation, however benignly intended, to win back the good grace of those that have been offended. That is their decision to make-their boundaries. 

As embarrassing as the moments at UCDavis were, the day that Emery was born I had no regrets just an understanding of the casualties along the way. The lesson of the apology. Becoming a parent, becoming an adult has enough of its own lessons.

I have learned that the apology is taught and isnt an inherent trait. This is how Emery will become better than me as human being and not just taller. Better, stronger, faster.