how i met your mother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIkWJZf33UY


Recently I was explaining this blog to a friend, the purpose about it and how it all came to be. their response was "how great for emery that he will be able to go back and look at his own history." of course i agreed and lamented about how facebook took over. then it really occurred to me that emery would miss out on some really good posts about the evolution of his parents. going from happy couple, to split couple, angry at each other for the change of circumstance to where we are now-to who we are now. the truth of all relationships is that they take work.

so for this post i wanted emery to read about us.

i met emery's mom the first time when we were just kids in high school. we met at a venue in boise called the crazy horse. i cant remember the band, i promise you they were good and probably on tour. music has always been the one thread that no matter how much we may disagree with each other we could always agree on the same band. so that night at the crazy horse i walked up to carrie because we both happened to be wearing mickey mouse watches. the conversation starter. it was typical awkward high school conversation of boy meets girl at a music venue and there was some acid involved.

we would cross paths again 10 years later in san francisco because of the friendships we made during those crazy horse days. rob, emery's name sake, was living in bernal heights. i was in town to audition for a commercial, having recently graduated from uc davis with an mfa in acting. carrie was in town from seattle with her best friend to visit rob. i met the three of them at rob's apartment for a quick visit after my audition. when i walked in and saw carrie again for the first time i had that reaction of being totally struck awkwardly dumb-something she still talks about today. it was a moment of instant attraction along with that intuitive feeling of knowing i was going to have a future with this person. (we can all agree that hindsight gives us the opportunity to say something like 'i knew i was going to have a future with this person' but the truth is the truth and i know mine.) anyhow, after being awkward for all too long that quickly developed into an anxiety of needing to return to truckee, where i was living for the moment, i agreed to give them a ride to downtown. when we got into the car i happened to have the pixies on which carrie immediately commented on. right back to the music. even though they invited me to come, and after hearing about their night i really wished i had, i drove the 3 hours back to truckee.

a year and half later i was living in seattle. i was home for the first time. it was my birthday weekend and rob came to visit(rob lived in seattle for years before moving to sf). he called carrie to meet up with us at the comet tavern to start the evening out with pin ball, whiskey and cheap beer. we all went out dancing, partying and had an incredible evening of fun. later that night to early that next morning we all fell out of neighbors ready to go home. carrie and i decided to walk from capitol hill to queen anne. she lived on the top and i lived in interbay on the other side. it was an easy hike for us being the walkers we are. her apartment was on the way home. i never made it past her apartment.

over the next couple months we started to see each other when time permitted that would eventually lead up to emery. we were both busy people. carrie was putting herself through school at the uw and working in a lab on pill hill. i was working as a bike messenger during the day and doing theater at night. carrie was determined not to make it easy for me-very determined- she was living on her own, she was her own person, doing everything on her terms. so i met her terms and matched her determination with my own. we would meet every available morning at 6:45 for coffee on the top of queen anne. the only time carrie made available to me at the start. eventually would make plans to catch up later that day for lunch or happy hour or plan a date for the weekend. then the 7:15 bus would stop and carrie would get on for the uw, i would radio into base for pu's from the top of queen anne and then ride down into the city passing her bus on the way. we never texted because it wasnt available, we would only call if we couldnt meet up like we had planned, otherwise we just showed up where we said where we would be.

the details of our relationship in those early days of getting our first apartment together, living together and the life we had those are ours-they are private. what i will tell you is that we had a lot of fun. sometimes we shared in the same fun, sometimes we had fun on our own, but we did it good. now its coming up on 14 years since we met at the comet tavern. we have endured so many changes to our relationship, endured and succeeded any expectations of being single parents without ever losing respect for the other. we are better people because of each other. we have succeeded because we dont care what the picture looks like we just care about owning our own truth. the mutual truth we share is our son, and because we remain kind and good to each other emery is a kind and good kid thats the truth

sometimes its not about you

There is a want to say something about the photo's that get posted. Words describing the photo or words of gratitude and appreciation to the set of circumstances that lead up to the photo, how people happen to come into your life-better yet how they come into your child's life and leave their mark-or when things workout differently, life happens, and those people still take the time for your kid. When you start to write you realize there are not enough words of gratitude and appreciation. Maybe a simple thank you. The indelible impress of the Rays.

every few years i post something about emery and say that i will post more. saying that life just got a hold of me would be not entirely true but then again it is while blaming a technological addiction to fb would be even easier.
with 2016 in its growing stages emery's 11th year is in full swing and i am really finding this to be the real tween years. its that point of where did my little guy go to that point of seeing that little man start to develop. it's strange because you become used to this idea of yourself being a somewhat constant within the growth curve, but with a kid the only constant is change and being prepared for the changes that are coming. the development of independence and that absolute terror of letting your kid grow. right now i am failing miserable at being a helicopter parent. how? might you ask. well emery has been learning the city bus route from home to school and vice versa except now emery doesnt come home after school, but rather walks to the YMCA to hangout with friends. In the times i have met him at the Y he's given me that kind of "dad right now your parenting is embarrassing me" look and in the single statement of "i'm good, you can go" HUH? What?! holy shit my kid just turned me into a needy parent with less than a breath. There is that side, but there is also this other side.

The other side is this: i get to pat myself on the back for being a parent of a child who is always polite, kind hearted and is laying claim to his independence at an early age. Carrie and I have done this incredible job with our own relationship with each other as parents and that really has worked out well in our relationship with emery, his relationship with us individually and collectively. despite our total tear down of the platonic family construct we have succeeded in being a family.

emery, since he first opened his eyes has had this innate sense of awareness. He is now able to take those moments of awareness and piecr them together in a sort of mental jigsaw puzzle just beginning to see the picture or pictures. Like walking back to his aunt's from the roseberry music festival and understanding that dad is not hop scotching, or swaying with the breeze, but dad's drunk and he's having fun. So, now as a parent i begin to ponder the next 11 years; because, in truth as a single parent there does need to come a time where you need to make choices for yourself so that your child can follow your example. wanting that example to be honest to who you are as an individual. wanting that choice to be healthy in heart head and spirit.

When i first became single parent and i was looking at myself as a total failure before i even got out of the gate i was given some advice by another single dad. he'd been at it a while. he said to me 'the one thing that you need to do is make sure youre consistent. you arent going to see your kid everyday but you need to make sure that the times that you see emery that they are consistent.' at the beginning i truly didnt believe him, not in the least, but i took his advice and he was right. have you met emery? thats all you need.

the point of all of this, and going on record not just for you the current reader, but later in life for emery, is that i am looking to move back to seattle in the next year. its the hardest thing i have ever had to contemplate, because its not guaranteed at this moment and there is a big risk involved. i am hopeful that it works out. there's a tentative job offer out there but more importantly, as i explained to a my good friend 39 over the phone the other night, its where i am happy and where emery would see his dad in an absolutely honest light. emery would get the chance to see his dad at me being the most honest person i am. the other point is that i dont want to look back, when i am literally empty nest and not have taken this risk. i dont expect anyone to understand and emery's greatest concern when we talked about this was that rag's stayed in boise. As a family we never cared what the picture looked like, and we never will, but we will continue to be the best parents to our child. (more to come on this blog and less on fb)