From the mouth

A dated conversation from the summer of 2017. We were finishing our bbq for the 2 of us on the eastern side of the house. In the shade and below the sunflower heads:

Me: “Emery, we need to talk about Granne.”
Em: “Ok”
Me: “how are you doing”
Em: “i am good”
Me: “that’s good kiddo, but this is different. Granne has terminal cancer and I need you to explain   ‘good’ to me.
Em: “I am good because it’s inevitable and I am not going to worry about what’s inevitable. So I am just going to enjoy the time Granne and I have left.”
Me: “that’s wonderful and I want you to remember that and hold on to it.”
Em: “ok.” Long pause as emery enjoyed his sucker. “You know dad, life is kinda like hard candy. You can suck on it and enjoy it over a long period of time or you can bite right through it. Either way it will taste just as good.”

January 2018

Em: “Granne would you like me to read to you?”
Granne: “yes, I would like that very much.”

Granne died on January 4th. This is the last conversation she and emery had. It was peaceful and beautiful.
She wanted a party, not a memorial, 25 rooms were reserved for out of town friends, we packed a ballroom and at 2am security was called because the party was that good. Granne’s Mom would say it was our Irish heritage.

Condoms and Cucumbers

Emery at 13!!!

In the last year Emery has shot up at least 5-6 inches. It doesnt seem to be stopping any time soon. One might say that he finally grew into his hips. His physical frame is still pole or post like, just a skinny kid. That slender frame is most likely going to last him for the next 10-12 years and then after he may or may not bulk out. We will see. This year long growth is of course due to the dreaded word of puberty. OH MAN!!!! 

Puberty is probably the only time as a parent that you wish you could go back to diapers. With diapers there are emotional releases, fits of crying "change my shorts!" the dealing with shit-literally but then you put the baby on your shoulder and sooth away the baby angst. Now with puberty comes again the emotional releases-'you just dont understand!!!!' and dealing with the shit-metaphorically. Now, though, there isnt the propping on the shoulder to sooth away the angst. Now the angst is something you deal with or you dont and when you dont want to deal with the angst you dont. Sometimes that desire not to deal can lead to "OH MAN!!!! I am just failing as a parent." Because! As a parent youre full of all the failings of your parents and how you. will. not. make the same mistakes. Somehow-even though the history of parenting is always the same- somehow you convince yourself that you are different. That with todays technology you will rebuild parenting, make it better than it was before. Better, Stronger, Faster. 

Then you fail. 

At 13 Emery is starting to transition from kid to young adult. This of course brings on the role of responsibility. Responsible for self. The prepping of that time when he will walk out the door of his youth and start down his own path to adulthood. Emery is a great kid and I dont just say that as biased father because I am biased. I am saying that as a quote that his mother and I hear with frequency. But what does that mean? Does that mean he sits quiet in the corner not disturbing the adults? Does that mean he is always up to help? I dont know. What I do know is that there are times in every individuals life where they have fallen short. For me that means saying to Emery, "these are my shortcomings-you'll have your own-but dont make these." 

Puberty is so much more than sitting your kid down at the coffee table and saying "here's a cucumber and here's a condom. This is how condoms go on." Its also that time where you pull away the veneer of perfection your kid may have of you as a parent and start sharing mistakes. With that share comes the parental responsibility of teaching the apology, to be kind without being nice, owning your faults, being honest and to hold your boundaries. In the last 4 ish years I have been examining my own responsibility of the apology after we stopped in Davis on the way to Oakland(My time at UCDavis contains my most embarrassing personal moments). What I would like Emery to learn is to be earnestly sorry when he needs to be but without regret or with the need to have another's forgiveness. To teach him that regret and the need to receive forgiveness puts a burden on those who deserve the apology. When all they should receive is the apology and acknowledgment of being wronged

What I want Emery to know is that he is a good human and at times he's going to falter along the way, that he can say "Hey, I am sorry" without putting it on the other person and apply that emotion of regret to make himself better. Examine why he regrets and acknowledge his mistake(s) To look to only one person to forgive him, to learn how to forgive himself and to accept the consequences as they fall. An apology should never be a method of manipulation, however benignly intended, to win back the good grace of those that have been offended. That is their decision to make-their boundaries. 

As embarrassing as the moments at UCDavis were, the day that Emery was born I had no regrets just an understanding of the casualties along the way. The lesson of the apology. Becoming a parent, becoming an adult has enough of its own lessons.

I have learned that the apology is taught and isnt an inherent trait. This is how Emery will become better than me as human being and not just taller. Better, stronger, faster.

just teaching emery to pee from high places

“But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.”-yeats

most mornings at this time of year i get up, turn on some music, set the coffee to brew and start looking through thumbtack for jobs. some, if not the majority,  of these mornings emery is with me reading before school eating his granola dry out of a recycled mustard jar. i look for work here in boise and i am proactively looking for work in seattle as well. trying to to figure out the timing of when soccer season ends, when i am through with my obligation to my commitment to coach and i can really focus on what i am after. i write, you assume, that i am after a place, seattle, but i am not. Seattle, aside from being the place emery was born, maybe the destination but what I am after is an idea, an ideal. Despite what may appear to be a plan its only a direction. I am moving towards something

Emery will be turning 12 in october. While its not even the middle of spring i am already talking about the end of fall because this is a big deal to me. To me its the last third of direct parenting. The final stage before emery heads out on his own. My child will be prepared to go out on his own, step into his brave new world and do so gleefully.

i have learned by watching others that there this an advantage of being a single parent. the parent is used to the schedule of pickups and drop offs. the nights with an empty house; your child's empty bedroom waiting for it to be filled by their laughter, dirty dishes and the debris of clothes on an unmade bed. these nights are very lonely and the only comfort one can find is in the reassurance that one day your child will be better for it. your child will be grown, living on their own and the regularity at which you see them will never be regular again.

when people ask me what i am up to i tell them i am working on moving back to seattle. trying to get home. their immediate response is 'what about emery?'. my reaction is, 'what do you mean?' because everything i do is about emery. anyone who has watched me, known me over the course these last 11 years, should have some clue that every thought and action i make is about emery. i have 6 years left of being a directly involved parent and i want to parent the way i want to parent. i want my child to be exposed to the world and people. i want him to play with the idea of solo travel knowing that at the end of each trek he has a safe destination of his mothers or fathers before those destinations are unknown. i want my child to have the ability to travel to a new location and have the ability to make friends. i want emery to have some street smarts. i want my child to go to art museums with me, performances, cultural events, sit with me on a sidewalk sipping coffee while listening to the cacophony of a city echoed through the canyons of buildings and bookstores. emery loves bookstores. i want my child to know my friends, their children and learn from them. i want my child to know me; because, in parenting you do stop what it is you do and you do make those sacrifices for your child. you do what needs to be done but eventually the most important thing i believe i can do for my child is to be myself. give my child the opportunity to see his dad. anyone who has ever seen me in seattle, with my friends, among my community has seen me. most importantly i want my child to believe in himself, have the confidence he needs to move forward, to live his life and never to have to run from himself. there is no plan. there is only direction and we have our route.

youth soccer and the roots of 206 polo

I am coaching emery's soccer team again. for those that may not know I coached emery's team in its first 5 seasons. watching not only emery but a few of his friends grow from kindergarten to their current age. WOW! this year the team was without a coach, so i stepped in. personally i am amazed by the kids that continue with something when the parents are not involved except to pick up and drop off. but hey thats just me.

So these kids are eleven and literally and figuratively it is now a different ball game and these kids, man the changes they're going through, holy shit 11! you know what i am learning 11 is? 11 is that age where the kids go from being cute to being obnoxious. it's the age that a kid is supposed to start to process puberty and unlearn all those things that their parents trained them to do, unlearn they are no longer the center of attention. learn that there is something more than them. when you think about it, you put the jigsaw pieces together, and you start to see the picture that is being created no wonder kids struggle and lash out at this time. it might as well be another terrible 2's. because really truly these kids dont know how to articulate whats going on. theyre emotional and act or react emotionally. in short these kids feel but things are changing and its now that for the first time they get to actually register the change.

When hard court bike polo started in seattle, and by started i mean it wasnt being played like this anywhere else in the world, around the winter of 2001 i was there. even though i was not apart of the forming group, i was in the community of people that started bike polo, so when i could i participated. those were simple times. we would find an empty parking lot typically on friday night in the warehouse area of south lake union, ali would bbq, there was always beer brought for everyone and we would just play for the sake of playing. at first the rules were still being sussed out, 6 mallets would be tossed into the middle, then divided, teams formed and it was 3 on 3 first to 3. when the mallets would stop being tossed into the middle the games would end and we would go home with no trace that we were ever there. The game grew and it evolved. eventually pdx got involved and completely changed the game forever with hardcore rules!! my theory is that at that time you could live in pdx and not work, so needing structure all those cats surfing a friends couch got involved and out of necessity of control of something in their lives started making all these rules. yuck! i mean some rules are good but man! pdx! those guys like rules! dont let their liberal wheatgrass leanings fool you.

so i digress a bit. with this soccer team we have 2 practices a week. the first on tuesday is about respecting the game. teaching them to practice the few moves they know and concepts to work from; because, if you dont take talent and nurture it with respect to the game of soccer(in this case) then the game will leave you behind. on thursday its about love of the game and this is where the origins of 206 polo come into play: we bbq, form a field, have a big bag to randomly select personal soccer balls, when we have a team of 3x3 we play, first to 3 or within 9 minutes. those that arent playing get to eat. eventually these kids are going to be playing with far more intense coaches than me on teams far more intense than this one, but this team. this group of kids will be able to play with any team by the time theyre done because they will have practiced their basic skills, but most importantly they will be the ones having the most fun on the field.

this is juliet and she is in 3rd grade. her brother arthur is on the team. she helps out by filling in and she is amazing. she doesnt even wear shin guards. she's our guest player in case we are ever short. if a coach from another team protests my response is going to be "are you afraid of your players being schooled by 3rd grade girl."

Grommets and Grunions

I have been giving these mantras to emery since we could communicate verbally. before he was verbal we did sign language which is great in a crowded place across long distances. you avoid being 'that' parent. the mantras aren't ones that i made up, they are ones i learned along the way. words from good people, words that i liked and kept.

1) why do we do what we do? to have fun.
                a-because as soon as you get upset or angry you lose.
2) what does everything have? a learning curve.

3) have no shame in your game. know how to apologize.
                 a-own your mistakes because 'sorry' is too often misused and abused.

4) be kind dont be nice.

my sister recently took the photo that is on display. it got me to thinking about my own parent learning curve with skiing. sometimes as a parent i get excited to show emery what i liked as a kid. those things that i was excited to do. in hindsight i forget sometimes that i had to learn first, enjoy and learn to enjoy. in that memory gap i neglect emery's own learning curve. skiing being the example here. i started off cross country at an early age but didnt start downhill until i was 11. emery's age now. emery has 9 years of downhill skiing more than i do over the course of a lifetime. emery is also a better soccer player than i ever will be or was when i was 11. soccer is his gift, skiing is his accomplishment. its easy once you learn it but learning whatever it is that takes patience.

last week emery and i skied together for the first time this year. not only did he keep up he lead the way. seeing this picture got me excited to let this group of grommets and grunions have the mtn to themselves. maybe emery will live along the ski bum lifestyle in his early 20's like i did. maybe he wont. we'll just have to wait and see, but for right now i want to enjoy this point of independence. you are free to ski about the mtn.

breaking up and cooking

When emery gets older i want him to know two things: how to break up and how to cook.









at the moment emery is only 11. Right now we are doing cooking. Simple cooking because if he knows how to follow a recipe he will know how to shop for food; he will know how to feed himself. emery can also entertain guests if he wants, be able to work in food service, cook for that first date, have dining etiquette, be in the habit of eating at a table. etc etc etc

how i met your mother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIkWJZf33UY


Recently I was explaining this blog to a friend, the purpose about it and how it all came to be. their response was "how great for emery that he will be able to go back and look at his own history." of course i agreed and lamented about how facebook took over. then it really occurred to me that emery would miss out on some really good posts about the evolution of his parents. going from happy couple, to split couple, angry at each other for the change of circumstance to where we are now-to who we are now. the truth of all relationships is that they take work.

so for this post i wanted emery to read about us.

i met emery's mom the first time when we were just kids in high school. we met at a venue in boise called the crazy horse. i cant remember the band, i promise you they were good and probably on tour. music has always been the one thread that no matter how much we may disagree with each other we could always agree on the same band. so that night at the crazy horse i walked up to carrie because we both happened to be wearing mickey mouse watches. the conversation starter. it was typical awkward high school conversation of boy meets girl at a music venue and there was some acid involved.

we would cross paths again 10 years later in san francisco because of the friendships we made during those crazy horse days. rob, emery's name sake, was living in bernal heights. i was in town to audition for a commercial, having recently graduated from uc davis with an mfa in acting. carrie was in town from seattle with her best friend to visit rob. i met the three of them at rob's apartment for a quick visit after my audition. when i walked in and saw carrie again for the first time i had that reaction of being totally struck awkwardly dumb-something she still talks about today. it was a moment of instant attraction along with that intuitive feeling of knowing i was going to have a future with this person. (we can all agree that hindsight gives us the opportunity to say something like 'i knew i was going to have a future with this person' but the truth is the truth and i know mine.) anyhow, after being awkward for all too long that quickly developed into an anxiety of needing to return to truckee, where i was living for the moment, i agreed to give them a ride to downtown. when we got into the car i happened to have the pixies on which carrie immediately commented on. right back to the music. even though they invited me to come, and after hearing about their night i really wished i had, i drove the 3 hours back to truckee.

a year and half later i was living in seattle. i was home for the first time. it was my birthday weekend and rob came to visit(rob lived in seattle for years before moving to sf). he called carrie to meet up with us at the comet tavern to start the evening out with pin ball, whiskey and cheap beer. we all went out dancing, partying and had an incredible evening of fun. later that night to early that next morning we all fell out of neighbors ready to go home. carrie and i decided to walk from capitol hill to queen anne. she lived on the top and i lived in interbay on the other side. it was an easy hike for us being the walkers we are. her apartment was on the way home. i never made it past her apartment.

over the next couple months we started to see each other when time permitted that would eventually lead up to emery. we were both busy people. carrie was putting herself through school at the uw and working in a lab on pill hill. i was working as a bike messenger during the day and doing theater at night. carrie was determined not to make it easy for me-very determined- she was living on her own, she was her own person, doing everything on her terms. so i met her terms and matched her determination with my own. we would meet every available morning at 6:45 for coffee on the top of queen anne. the only time carrie made available to me at the start. eventually would make plans to catch up later that day for lunch or happy hour or plan a date for the weekend. then the 7:15 bus would stop and carrie would get on for the uw, i would radio into base for pu's from the top of queen anne and then ride down into the city passing her bus on the way. we never texted because it wasnt available, we would only call if we couldnt meet up like we had planned, otherwise we just showed up where we said where we would be.

the details of our relationship in those early days of getting our first apartment together, living together and the life we had those are ours-they are private. what i will tell you is that we had a lot of fun. sometimes we shared in the same fun, sometimes we had fun on our own, but we did it good. now its coming up on 14 years since we met at the comet tavern. we have endured so many changes to our relationship, endured and succeeded any expectations of being single parents without ever losing respect for the other. we are better people because of each other. we have succeeded because we dont care what the picture looks like we just care about owning our own truth. the mutual truth we share is our son, and because we remain kind and good to each other emery is a kind and good kid thats the truth

sometimes its not about you

There is a want to say something about the photo's that get posted. Words describing the photo or words of gratitude and appreciation to the set of circumstances that lead up to the photo, how people happen to come into your life-better yet how they come into your child's life and leave their mark-or when things workout differently, life happens, and those people still take the time for your kid. When you start to write you realize there are not enough words of gratitude and appreciation. Maybe a simple thank you. The indelible impress of the Rays.

every few years i post something about emery and say that i will post more. saying that life just got a hold of me would be not entirely true but then again it is while blaming a technological addiction to fb would be even easier.
with 2016 in its growing stages emery's 11th year is in full swing and i am really finding this to be the real tween years. its that point of where did my little guy go to that point of seeing that little man start to develop. it's strange because you become used to this idea of yourself being a somewhat constant within the growth curve, but with a kid the only constant is change and being prepared for the changes that are coming. the development of independence and that absolute terror of letting your kid grow. right now i am failing miserable at being a helicopter parent. how? might you ask. well emery has been learning the city bus route from home to school and vice versa except now emery doesnt come home after school, but rather walks to the YMCA to hangout with friends. In the times i have met him at the Y he's given me that kind of "dad right now your parenting is embarrassing me" look and in the single statement of "i'm good, you can go" HUH? What?! holy shit my kid just turned me into a needy parent with less than a breath. There is that side, but there is also this other side.

The other side is this: i get to pat myself on the back for being a parent of a child who is always polite, kind hearted and is laying claim to his independence at an early age. Carrie and I have done this incredible job with our own relationship with each other as parents and that really has worked out well in our relationship with emery, his relationship with us individually and collectively. despite our total tear down of the platonic family construct we have succeeded in being a family.

emery, since he first opened his eyes has had this innate sense of awareness. He is now able to take those moments of awareness and piecr them together in a sort of mental jigsaw puzzle just beginning to see the picture or pictures. Like walking back to his aunt's from the roseberry music festival and understanding that dad is not hop scotching, or swaying with the breeze, but dad's drunk and he's having fun. So, now as a parent i begin to ponder the next 11 years; because, in truth as a single parent there does need to come a time where you need to make choices for yourself so that your child can follow your example. wanting that example to be honest to who you are as an individual. wanting that choice to be healthy in heart head and spirit.

When i first became single parent and i was looking at myself as a total failure before i even got out of the gate i was given some advice by another single dad. he'd been at it a while. he said to me 'the one thing that you need to do is make sure youre consistent. you arent going to see your kid everyday but you need to make sure that the times that you see emery that they are consistent.' at the beginning i truly didnt believe him, not in the least, but i took his advice and he was right. have you met emery? thats all you need.

the point of all of this, and going on record not just for you the current reader, but later in life for emery, is that i am looking to move back to seattle in the next year. its the hardest thing i have ever had to contemplate, because its not guaranteed at this moment and there is a big risk involved. i am hopeful that it works out. there's a tentative job offer out there but more importantly, as i explained to a my good friend 39 over the phone the other night, its where i am happy and where emery would see his dad in an absolutely honest light. emery would get the chance to see his dad at me being the most honest person i am. the other point is that i dont want to look back, when i am literally empty nest and not have taken this risk. i dont expect anyone to understand and emery's greatest concern when we talked about this was that rag's stayed in boise. As a family we never cared what the picture looked like, and we never will, but we will continue to be the best parents to our child. (more to come on this blog and less on fb)

keep in sink-sort of

alright so here it is quite possibly the most important photo that emery will ever take in his life!!!! its his first record purchase along with cd. the band is deeps sea diver, album history speaks for the record and pickwick cant talk medicine for the cd. we went to the treefort music festival this year to make these purchases along with some fantastic company.

so what can i say about emery that you might not already know. like he's a great kid and next year is the 3rd grade and he is just plain awesome. we're having a great year this year so far and i am beginning to learn about myself through my child. the best quality that i think emery is developing is his sense of compassion. if you tell emery something in an honest direct way about this or that he finds the compassionate view point without any ego maybe a little id, but i kid.(bad yes it was) emery like every kid has his struggles and his triumphs. while myself as dad continually ask the question if i am doing enough. the answer is usually no i can be doing more and more and more and more who needs sleep because right now as i work when i get done i will spoil the shit out of my child.

soccer is emery's sport and he's really good at it. sort of natural. randomly he'll start dribbling and doing little odd soccer related things without thinking "oh this is a soccer thing". but what i would like to say is that emery in the last recent few months has had some really good people come into his life. the positive kind that make you really appreciate the way they are with your child. little efforts become enormously appreciated and they humble me as a father. maybe the way they might get you to communicate with your child better(i.e. me with emery) but there is also the value in letting your child develop their own relationships with adults close to you, that you can trust be that family or friends. i realize that as emery gets older there might be a thing or two he may not be able to talk to me about. i would like to think we could have a free flow of information, but in the just in case cause that one day there is that one thing that he might need another adult and that other adult will be able to say to me, 'emery needs to keep it between us.' i am grateful those people are out there for him. like that time my sister had my high school girlfriend help her buy beer asking her(crystal) not to let me know. trust its a good thing to have

bout time

so maybe there is one person reading this blog and what i would like to say is, i pulled teeth to get in here. in fact in the time that it took to get to this spot i think forgot the password again. we'll see you in two years.

not that i am totally invested in astrology but these two are scorpios

emery, logan and nate

dont tell his mom but the break slipped during this photo

canyon lands next will be arches

bed in the back of the bus, good travel for kids

emery if you get a dog youll have to read it to sleep.

emery pee'd on one side of the divide and i pee' on the other then i explained what the divide was

whats new?.....well emery is the typical toothaker 8 year old boy, selective hearing, defiant, compassionate, athletic and an all around good kid. we're a couple few weeks into the first year of the bbsef ski team. he's doing this with two of his soccer buddies and the parents and i are looking towards long term plans of dropping them off at the bus with lunch money and saying have a good day we will see you at 430. it feels good to watch your kid become more independent and at the same time its a bit odd. meaning you think, 'man did i enjoy 7 enough to be ready for 8 and if i dont enjoy 8 as much as should have 7 will i think the same thing when he's 9 and holy shit youre 15.' thats just me projecting. the big things from 2012, we went to taos in the bus to see sage and amani, emery got a dog and he continues to play soccer and i am still a co-coach. it rules the kids are all awesome and its just refreshing to know that emery has these kids for friends because their parents are awesome. as i was mentioning this same thing to this guy, grandfather, i know from the y he said that's good because its not often that you can get your kid signed up with parents that parallel think with you in sports. some parents can be really competative(this blog doesnt have spell check obviously).' i told him that there were but they have found other teams for their kids. in the end it all works out.

some of the things in the last year

so its only been 359 days since the last post and technically that isn't a year. here are some picks so enjoy.

emery became a mogul mouse this year at bogus basin. the mountain is 16 miles away and it is a fun fun place to be. emery's new friends from this mogul mouse program he will be skiing with through high school. for those parents not from boise that is the way it works around here. in boise activities for your kid are easy, super easy.

past emery's right shoulder is donnelley and behind emery over his left shoulder, in the distance, is the largest area of untouched wilderness in the lower 48. in idaho foreign policy is defined by the ability see canada. we are a border state. take that oregon!

emery is headed to washington school and this is a good thing. boise has an open enrollment policy, which doesn't make any sense to me and to be honest i am not sure is good thing for neighborhood development. because these things don't happen when kids are bussed in from different areas: kids playing with other kids in the neighborhood because they go to school with each other and parents knowing each other because of their kids and block homes! do block homes exist anymore? however none of this will affect emery dean toothaker his is a neighborhood school. mom and dad have the system dialed for his next adventure and as far as keeping the 'happy well loved child ball rolling' we kick ass.

spring is sprung and then recoiled by winter

as emery is getting older the idea of raising emery here rather than seattle is becoming more refreshing and such was the case this last week at camels back park, which we went to with the scuglia family(the g is only there to confuse you and has no pronunciation value what so ever).

it was the first really true day of sun and warmth here in boise and EVERYONE decided that camels back was the place to be, and let me point out that people come here to raise their kids from all over. you would be absolutely hard pressed to find a more ideal place. this day at the park was more packed than the idaho state fair to a mild point of being somewhat unnerving. we did get to fly kites as you see from the photos, become exhausted from the first real dose of sun, which, ironically or coincidentally burns patience like it burns the skin.

back to raising kids. in boise, as an adult,  you begin to realize from those things that you don't see as an idealistic new parent who is going to parent sooooooo much better than the now grandparents. here simply there is less to worry about, you can just let your kid go run, the network of other parents, and the friends that your child makes will last a lifetime. without seeming to get stuck in the rear view mirror of life. i grew up here i still have friends from before preschool, preschool and all the way up to my graduation from boise high(go braves). the other advantage was the surrogate parents that i had. they say same things your parents did but from them it makes sense. these things emery has and will have and you couldn't ask for more.

 i just bought his first pair of low top chucks, check em out, they're lace ups and he looks so much older. he is definitely four and full of energy, lots and lots of energy. because of emery's new found energy level this summer is going to be spent at the cabin. there he will be able to run up and down hills to his little hearts content. my friend cathy the other day described emery as a labrador, when she did that it all made sense to me. now i know what i must do and that is get something emery will be willing to continual retrieve for the next few years.